urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beastbeastbeast k to the i to to the mberly k to the i to to the mberly 2005-08-10T02:47:50Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beastbeastbeast:42704 2005-08-10T02:47:50Z 2005-08-10T02:47:50Z only an hour and fourteen minutes left before i'm legal! <br />only 2 days left before this isn't as exciting! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beastbeastbeast:38066 2005-05-25T04:10:38Z 2005-05-25T04:10:38Z gun club- miami the best decision seems like the worst when all of a sudden one realizes she is completely alone, facing her greatest fear, by choice.<br /><br />by she, i mean me.<br /><br />i want late night movie company. i want jokes. i want kisses. <br />but i don't want to have to feel the stab of impermanence from the outset and attempt to ignore it.<br /><br />i mean, fuck. how can i pretend to be happy if i know the end is just around the corner? <br />at first it was my reason for refusing to date him, then it was one of the reasons i liked dating him, then it was one of the reasons i realized how fucking stupid i am for dating him. so i'm not. dating him anymore.<br /><br /><br />and i'm sad, but it's a sadness tinged with relief. it's a controlled sadness. a self-induced sadness. i am the cause of the sadness this time, for the first time in my entire dating life. for the first time ever, i broke up with someone for a reason that wasn't "he was cheating on me." <br /><br />i'm glad to know that i am attempting to recognize what is best for myself.<br />i'm glad to know that this probably is a sign of budding maturity--in the relationship sense.<br />but it's terrifying to admit to myself that i am "growing up." <br /><br />it's also terrifying to have to admit to myself the scapegoats i attempted to use as all of this was going on in my mind...to have seen myself act so cruelly and without regaurd for another's emotions. sure, i am doing what is best for myself, but what is best for him? i had hoped he would agree it was this, but...is that really my concern? <br /><br />i'm doing it again. <br /><br />his response? "i knew we would break up at some point, i just didn't think it would be this soon."<br /><br />...which brings me back to the benefit of self-induced sadness.<br /><br /><br />anyway. gun club is an awesome band:<br />The fire of love is burning deep<br />The fire of love won't let me sleep<br />Oh my love, hear this my plea<br />Because of you, it's burning me<br /><br />The sun beats down with its fiery glow<br />Knows I won't see my love no more<br />I'm sorry for the things I've done<br />Forgive me dear, my only one<br /><br />My baby's back, once more she's mine<br />To have and hold till end of time<br />The moon shines down from up above<br />Its light to cool the fire of love<br /><br />The fire of love<br />The fire of love