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[09 Aug 2005|07:46pm] only an hour and fourteen minutes left before i'm legal! only 2 days left before this isn't as exciting! 1 comment|post comment

readjust and fall away [24 May 2005|11:58pm] [ music | gun club- miami ] the best decision seems like the worst when all of a sudden one realizes she is completely alone, facing her greatest fear, by choice. by she, i mean me. i want late night movie company. i want jokes. i want kisses. but i don't want to have to feel the stab of impermanence from the outset and attempt to ignore it. i mean, fuck. how can i pretend to be happy if i know the end is just around the corner? at first it was my reason for refusing to date him, then it was one of the reasons i liked dating him, then it was one of the reasons i realized how fucking stupid i am for dating him. so i'm not. dating him anymore. and i'm sad, but it's a sadness tinged with relief. it's a controlled sadness. a self-induced sadness. i am the cause of the sadness this time, for the first time in my entire dating life. for the first time ever, i broke up with someone for a reason that wasn't "he was cheating on me." i'm glad to know that i am attempting to recognize what is best for myself. i'm glad to know that this probably is a sign of budding maturity--in the relationship sense. but it's terrifying to admit to myself that i am "growing up." it's also terrifying to have to admit to myself the scapegoats i attempted to use as all of this was going on in my mind...to have seen myself act so cruelly and without regaurd for another's emotions. sure, i am doing what is best for myself, but what is best for him? i had hoped he would agree it was this, but...is that really my concern? i'm doing it again. his response? "i knew we would break up at some point, i just didn't think it would be this soon." ...which brings me back to the benefit of self-induced sadness. anyway. gun club is an awesome band: The fire of love is burning deep The fire of love won't let me sleep Oh my love, hear this my plea Because of you, it's burning me The sun beats down with its fiery glow Knows I won't see my love no more I'm sorry for the things I've done Forgive me dear, my only one My baby's back, once more she's mine To have and hold till end of time The moon shines down from up above Its light to cool the fire of love The fire of love The fire of love 2 comments|post comment

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